The Beach of Good-byes

         In the fall of 2012 my mother died.  By this time in my life, I was no stranger to loss. With well over 50 years clocked on the planet, I had said my fair share of good-byes.  I was just 14 when I my dad passed on and I honestly cannot count the number of friends, family and acquaintances who have passed on since that monumental and unexpected good-bye for which I was ill prepared.  Dealing with loss just happens when you’re one of the ones lucky enough to still be here at this age.

          Losing my mom was different though.  As said by one of my dearest friends, who by the way had lost her mother just two years prior to my mother’s passing, losing your mom “is the worst.”  I still am at a loss to articulate the emotions that emerged with the passing of my mother.  It was like nothing I had lived through until that time.  Up until that time, no matter what ever had happened in my life, there was always mom.  Now, there wasn’t.

          Completely perplexed with where I found myself, I emailed my Hawaiian mentor, Serge Kahili King for guidance on how to manage the position in which I found myself.  His reply went like this: “There are two types of [meditative] journeys we use on the passing of someone close. One is to meet their spirit in our Garden and finish any unfinished communication. The other is to meet their spirit on the beach at Bali Hai and, if appropriate, comfort them until other spirits come and help them pass on to another place. When doing the latter you sometimes find the person's spirit waiting for you just to say goodbye, because they have already made their own arrangements.”

          As with all of the techniques bequeathed to me through Serge, I adapted his recommendations to accommodate my personal journey.  My experiences in my garden are for another article.  I will tell you that in meditation I went to a beach to visit with mom.  She was indeed there.  Although she would not interact with me despite several attempts, I did see her face light up like a Christmas tree when she heard her father’s voice calling her from the distance.  She disappeared quickly in the direction of her father’s voice.  I was somehow at peace seeing her leave with a joy and excitement I had never before seen in her eyes!  She was genuinely excited to see her dad again – as if she had waited her whole life for just that moment!  To be sure, I was still grieving the loss of my mother, but I somehow felt better knowing that she was not only okay but really, really happy. 

          I have just two more experiences to share of that beach meditation, if you will so grant me the time.   Recently, I was honored with time alone in the form of a massage session with a mother of a very sick child.  In addition to living at a hospital 24/7 with a child whose prognosis was questionable at best and being miles away from any family support, this dear soul shared with me that one of her best friends from her school days had unexpectedly died the night before and she could not even go home to attend the funeral and be with her friends.  Now typically, I do not share personal information in a professional setting but I felt “guided” to share with her the meditation technique involving the beach of Bali Hai I had learned from Serge and how it had helped me when my mother died.  As I continued to massage her neck and shoulders, she became very quiet and silently wept.  After our “massage session” was completed, she thanked me saying that she mentally went to the beach she and her friend used to frequent while they attended school together.  She found her friend there and said her good-byes.  She somehow felt at peace and was grateful for the opportunity to find that peace.

          My “other” experience with what I now call the “beach of good-byes” was when my dear four-legged friend, Fritz recently died.  Fritz was one of the largest and dearest creatures with whom I have ever had the pleasure of sharing a home.  With all of his long hair, the whole beach thing just didn’t fit when I went there to find him.  I did, however, spot him lounging – in perfect cat style – in the sun on a piece of driftwood near the edge of the beach.  In my meditation, we had a lovely visit.  Fritz was sucking up love and attention in a way that would put a Hoover vacuum cleaner to shame.  Realizing that I needed to encourage him to “move along” I drew his attention to the meadow behind him.  I coaxed him to play in the field with all the butterflies and moving grasses.  Eventually something caught his attention and I saw him run away with his tail in the air!  I felt a peace move into my body and I knew he was well – and so was I.

          To make a long story short, how this meditation technique shows up for you is all yours to discover.  My wish for you is to find peace in the face of loss. 

           

 

 

General Guidelines for Your Yoga Adventure

General Guidelines for Your Yoga Adventure

So you’ve decided to take a yoga class.  Congratulations!  You are about to embark on a potentially life changing journey.  Just as with any new adventure, it helps if you gather some information before you begin.  Here are some tips that might prove helpful. 

Do your homework

All yoga classes are not like all other yoga classes.  This may seem obvious but with the growing popularity of yoga in the media and everywhere else, people assume they know what they are walking into when they sign up for a yoga class.  Not so!  Yoga classes are as unique as the people participating in them and the yoga teacher facilitating them.  Classes can be very meditative and still and on the other end of the spectrum they can be very aerobic and active. 

Doing your homework is an essential part of the success of your yoga experience.  A person who hasn’t moved in years due to inactivity, illness or life in general would not be well served in a hot yoga class or an aerobically active class, for example.  They may even risk injury by starting there.  Likewise if a seasoned athlete walks into a room where folks mostly sit or lie on the floor in a meditative state, they may run as fast as they can in the opposite direction whenever anyone suggests another yoga class.  And, if they do, they would miss out on all the amazing benefits that yoga can bring to a person with more active lifestyle.  And it’s not just the level of physical fitness to be considered either.  Some yoga classes emphasize the philosophical aspects of the yogic traditions, some classes focus more on diet and health, and some classes focus on healing trauma or psychological challenges, etc. 

In short, just because you walk into a yoga class it doesn’t mean you have any clue what you’re in for, even if you are a seasoned yoga practitioner.  Research the classes you find interesting and convenient to your location and schedule.  Learn about the style of yoga presented, the focus or emphasis of the classes, what you can expect in each session, what you need to bring and if possible, talk to the instructor before the class begins.  Ask lots of questions to be sure the classes are a good fit for you – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. 

Silence your technology

When you do enter a class, turn ALL your electronic connectivity devises to silent.  This point is so obvious you’d think it doesn’t even need to be said.  But often there is someone in a class who neglects to silence their electronic companion.  Nothing pulls an entire roomful of people out of a focused, meditative state quicker than a cell phone ringing or that electronic “beep” letting everyone in the room know that someone just got a text message or email or they are late for meeting.  We are programmed by our electronics to respond to these sounds.  So when an electronic device sounds in the midst of a yoga class everyone in the room is jolted out of their focus whether they like it or not. 

Leave your fragrance at home

That lovely perfume you received as a gift or that delightfully scented hand lotion or lip balm might be just the thing to send your whole being into a blissful state any and every time you smell it.  It may also be choking the person on a yoga mat near you.  In a setting like a yoga class, where the emphasis is on increasing sensitivity and awareness most often through techniques designed for enhancing a deeper breathing pattern – scents can be distracting at best and dangerous at worst (for example, triggering an asthmatic episode or setting a migraine headache in motion).  Leave your smell pretties for another time.

Don’t chat through class

What you discover when you take the time on your yoga mat to become intentionally aware of your body, mind, heart and soul is absolutely AMAZING because you, my dear, are just that – AMAZING!  However, please refrain from sharing your newfound discoveries with your neighbor until after class is over.  Talking through class only distracts everyone else from their own AMAZING discoveries.

This is not to say that there are never times in a yoga class when talking and interacting is openly encouraged.  You will know when that is the case and if you feel so inclined – by all means, join in the fun!  Until such time when interaction is invited, please keep to yourself so everyone else can do the same.

Practice compassion, generosity and politeness

Yoga, for the most part, encourages movement and relaxation and when both are applied to the human body it sometimes produces sounds that are typically not shared in polite company.  Snores, farts and burps – while not explicitly encouraged for the most part – can happen in a yoga class.  There is no need to make anyone feel any worse than they already do about it.

Also, make room for others.  Sometimes classes get crowded.  Be thoughtful and generous with whatever space is available.

Be timely

Walking into a yoga class late disrupts the “vibe” carefully cultivated by everyone in the class.  Once in a while, if it is a group or instructor with whom you are familiar, it can be excused.  If it is a habit, however, break it or find another class that better fits your schedule.  The same, by the way, goes for leaving a class early.  Once in a while, it’s okay.  If in every class, however, you are slipping out early, look for a class that better suits your scheduling needs or your particular interests.  (Maybe the reason you’re slipping out early has nothing at all to do with your tight schedule.  Maybe you just don’t like the chanting that comes at the end of a particular style of yoga class; in which case, find a class that better suits your preferences.)

And by all means, if it is your first class with a particular group or instructor and you are running late – don’t go!  Wait until you can give yourself and the instructor a few minutes before class to introduce yourself and to learn the ropes.

Your first class

If it is your first class with a particular group or instructor (even if you have practiced yoga before), make your acquaintance well in advance of the first breathing exercise, asana or OM. Particularly if your medical history is complicated or you are in a class for a specific reason, you need to give your instructor time to learn about it and plan accordingly.  This goes back to “do your homework” to ensure the class will meet your specific needs.  Find out if your instructor prefers to meet with you briefly before class or how they prefer to learn about you - and then get to the point.  (It’s a yoga teacher teaching an entire room full of people, remember, not a private session with a psychotherapist.)  Let the instructor know why you’re in the class, what you hope to find there, your experience with yoga, what your limitations or challenges are and briefly explain your medical history.  Let your instructor know if you are under a physician’s care, for what and if you have been given medical clearance to attend the class.  While a brief medical history is important, keep in mind too that unless your yoga teacher is an MD, they are not an MD!  Don’t expect that they know as much about your medical condition, medications or therapies as you do.  They do, however, need to know enough about you to be sure you are safe and comfortable in the class.

And it may not just be disease and pathology you have to share that could impact the class.  For example, if you are pregnant, your instructor should know.  If you’re training for a marathon, your instructor might have some helpful tips for you.  If you are dealing with a recent loss and your instructor knows about it, maybe they can offer specific postures and breathing techniques that can help you navigate your journey of grief.  The more specific you can be with your instructor about your intentions and goals, the more specific they can be in helping you meet them.

Don’t give up

If you have wandered into a yoga class that doesn’t quite fit your needs or expectations, try another class!  I promise you – with the ever-evolving variations of the ancient discipline of yoga, there is something out there that fits you perfectly! With a delightful curiosity, allow yourself to simply enjoy your yoga adventure.